Switch to jenkinsfile (#3525)

* [WIP] add a jenkinsfile

* various jenkinsfile fixes [ci skip]

* experiments

* escape the escaping

* can't do that with /usr/bin/env bash

* continue isolation

* bleh

* optimistically enable everything

* things

* add timeout, codecov

* derp

* sigh

* add credentials for codecov upload

* print the env

* nonsense

* checkout without jenkins because jenkins sucks

* maybe we're not allowed to shadow

* maybe if we actually pass the variable

* scope

* cd into a thing

* also here

* print the commit and run all the jobs again

* son of a

* add labels

* ch-ch-ch-changes

* damn it

* add docs, pep8, py3pep8

* try some downstreams

* make this maybe work

* this is probably what we need

* faster testing

* run this in docker duh

* delete me some dirs

* wtf

* god

* more things

* oh boy locales

* re-enable everything, remove the locales now that they're embedded

* refactor, this will probably break everything

* small test

* sigh

* actually bind some variables. also rename things to be camelCase

* oookay

* this is not gonna work

* test all the things

* add docs-linkcheck, remove libre 2.5.3 because it is bad

* syntax is for losers

* append a thing

* add yosemite, run this thing daily

* oops

* some finally cleanup

* twisted is dead to us for a brief moment

* add randomorder and setup.py test

* whatever

* re-enable twisted

* delete everything. eat arby's

* delete everything this time

* all is emptiness

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